So, I kind of cheated last night on the post. I was writing writing writing at super-speed yesterday in Black Hole…and I clicked “publish” about 30 seconds too late but I fudged the time because I had actually spent ten minutes before midnight on the post.
It’s morning, though, and you know that song “Life Looks Better In Spring?” Well, life looks better in the morning. I woke up at 9 and relaxed until 11. Yesterday, there must’ve been an electrical short in my car because the “open door” light stayed on unless I physically held the driver’s side door shut with my hand. This would not do. I resolved to get up early (well, in the single-digits, anyway) and take it in to the garage. Well, I get in my car, and what do you know, no light. Even when going over bumps. So, I went to River Oaks Coffee House (where I am right now) for a coffee, egg salad sandwich, and scone for breakfast and am hoping that I’m not putting my foot in my mouth about this car thing. Also, my foot would probably taste terrible.
I have so many ideas for posts, and then when I have the time and wherewithal to post, it’s like they disappear. No matter – I’ll just continue airing my thoughts on types of people I dislike on Facebook.
4) The Serial Liker
This person likes EVERYTHING that you post or do, from “I got a new job” to “I have food poisoning, diarrhea, and I think I have crabs.” For some reason, I imagine that this person is sitting at their computer, refreshing their news feed, and WAITING for me to post something so that they can be the first person to hit the like button, as if they’re going for some sort of super-speed world record or something. How is it physically possible to “like” everything a person does? In real life, wouldn’t that be annoying? The Serial Liker is not to be confused with…
5) The Serial Commenter
This person may or may not like everything constantly, but feels the need to post something under your status constantly. My dad does this a lot, but usually he was something witty or interesting to say, but then again, he’s my dad so I don’t mind. What I’m talking about are the people who constantly have to get a word in. More recently, there’s been someone who’s used the commenting feature as a way to guilt trip me/initiate a conversation with me, which is what messaging is for. Again, I don’t mind when people post appropriate responses, but if you want to post something that is not about what I posted, just post it on my wall or message me. Or, y’know, if you want to talk to me…just give me a call or text me or something.
6) The Jehovah’s Gamer
Facebook games are fun, but on the rare occasion when I play them, I don’t like to force it upon others. Some people do. I call this the Jehovah’s Gamer because not only does this person invite you to play Candy Crush or Farmville with them, but they do it REPEATEDLY, even when you turn them down, and the only choice is to ignore them until they lose interest or defriend you. (Defriend? Unfriend? Dump?) If I wanted to play that game, I’d play it myself. Also, there’s this thing called life…you should try it. This person is akin to…
7) The Activist
“Sign my petition!” “Take my survey!” These are the types of people who in real life, annoy the crap out of you in the street or on your college campus, and you just wish they’d go away. However, on Facebook, it’s a little more complicated – you can choose to block everything from that person, or be forced to witness a constant barrage of petitions. Most of them are not even legitimate, and just screw up your feed. And it’s not like you can totally ignore it either – it’s there for you to read, instead of having the option of walking away. A friend of mine used to send me petitions about abused animals which littered my wall/timeline with pictures of half-dead dogs. Ew.
8) The False Sense Of Intimacy Person
This person is someone you met in passing, or at a party, who somehow found your name. When they friend you, you know it’s the right person, because you just met them, so in the spirit of friendship, you accept their request. But then…they start commenting. They start liking. They start sending you games and petitions. When you post something about someone, even if they don’t know them, they comment. They invite you to events that are not in your city, state, or country. They message you at random times with personal questions. They even look back into your timeline history and comment on past events, posts, and pictures. One time, I posted something about remembering my grandmother, and this girl sends me a message, “is your bubbe okay?” First of all, you don’t even know my grandmother and you never did since we just met and she’s been gone for years. Second, just because I’m Jewish, doesn’t mean I call my grandmother “bubbe”; it’s actually a Yiddish term, and neither of my grandmothers spoke that as their first language (one spoke English, one spoke English and some German). Third, that’s just so patronizing. It’s well-intended, yes, but the tone and the phrase is equivalent to asking someone about their “mommy” or “daddy,” which is just so, so wrong.
Of course, I could always defriend these people. But I have this thing called a conscience and I don’t have the heart to, unless they continually harass me or repeatedly post annoying things on my page. You never know when your car will break down in their town and you’ll need them to come pick you up so you don’t die on the side of the road in the middle of the night.