So, I was having a conversation with myself today about names, and I came across the name Summer. Summer. It’s a great word and a lovely name, but how many ways can you really slice a Summer? There’s never been a Queen Summer or a President Summer or even a Grandma Summer. I thought about adding it to my list of potential daughters’ names, but it’s just too…Summer. There are very few places you can go with a Summer, and most of them involve being in a bikini.
Since everyone’s blogging about Scotland’s independence referendum today, I thought I’d do something different and present to you an alphabet of name stereotypes. These are not common names like John and Mary, and not timeless names like Michael, Katherine, and Elizabeth that have too much history to be placed in one category. Rather, these are names that are uncommon but not unusual, but at least for me they have a certain way about them. To be fair, I’ll just do one random name per letter, per gender, skipping Q and X for obvious reasons. Join me, y’all.
And welcome, first visitor from Kyrgyzstan! You were always my favorite Stan.
Disclaimer: This list is meant to be read in complete jest, so Jacquelyn, the coffee is fine.
If your name is Albert, don’t get any piercings. This will only work against you.
If your name is Brook, have a headshot on your faculty website.
If your name is Chuck, you probably spit a lot when you talk and collect things.
If your name is Dallas, you probably own a ten-gallon hat but have never had the opportunity to wear it.
If your name is Eddie, be my drinking buddy. But not Ed. He can go and sit in the back of the closet.
If your name is Fred, you have a lot to live up to. Same for the Wilmas, Mickeys, and Minnies of the world.
If your name is Gilbert, you probably watched Howdy Doody in its first run.
If your name is Harrison, you probably have your hair parted on the side. Oh, and don’t go to China to teach English.
If your name is Ira, don’t be surprised if in the near future you get mistaken for a girl.
If your name is Jacob, be cool about it. Don’t toss that name around willy-nilly. Taylor Lautner did a number for us; unfortunately it was a negative number. And be friendly. If you want to be a jerk (and if I am), be Jake.
If your name is Kevin, take a break and sit down.
If your name is Lorenzo, eat some graham crackers.
If your name is Mickey, you better be cuddly or else.
If your name is Nathan, I really enjoyed those hard, wooden chairs you made me.
If your name is Ozzy, get that bat out of your mouth, I do not want to buy candy from you, and pull your shorts above your butt crack.
If your name is Peter, my deepest sympathies for the inappropriate jokes you have encountered in your life.
If your name is Ray, chill out. You’re much too intense.
If your name is Scott, I never want to see you wearing anything but underwear.
If your name is Timothy, and you haven’t heard the song, your life is incomplete. Also, if you shorten to Timmy don’t expect anything for your birthday other than Tonka trucks.
If your name is Ulysses, be prepared to work hard because you will be called useless at least once a day.
If your name is Victor, don’t make me walk into your magic cabinet.
If your name is Wilbur, your mother’s favorite book was Charlotte’s Web.
If your name is Yorick, I knew him well.
If your name is Zzzzybrrqahh, please don’t eat my brain.
If your name is Alice, you will probably have a husband named Al and move to Alabama where you’ll sell ant farms.
If your name is Bella, avoid used bookstores.
If your name is Carol, you probably either sing in a folk rock band or own a large collection of fuzzy sweaters.
If your name is Donna, you’re an asset to the secretarial pool. Maybe you’ll be an executive assistant one day.
If your name is Edith, thanks for the peanut brittle.
If your name is Frances, you probably need to lighten up.
If your name is Georgia, watch where you’re swingin’ that hoop skirt.
If your name is Helen, I hope you like cats.
If your name is Isabella, you probably can’t read this because you were born sometime this decade.
If your name is Jacquelyn, I may or may not have spit in your coffee this morning.
If your name is Kimberley, congratulations, you’re the head of the cheerleading squad and the top of the pyramid.
If your name is Lola, you were a showgirl.
If your name is Marni, you really got the short end of the stick. That is not a real name. And don’t stomp your platforms at me.
If your name is Nancy, you have an unhealthy relationship with yarn.
If your name is Olga, I am putting all my hope in you at the next Olympics.
If your name is Penelope…yeah, no one’s cool enough to pull off Penelope.
If your name is Summer, you have damaged skin, hair, or both.
If your name is Tiffany, you are never going to give up the 80s, are you?
If your name is Ursula, you either rule a sea kingdom or are in fact a Kodiak bear.
If your name is Velvet, you have served prison time and have the tattoos to prove it.
If your name is Willow, you have either participated in or led a women’s retreat.
If your name is Yolanda, you thoroughly enjoy the conveniences of a convenience store.
If your name is Zona, my seventh-grade Bible teacher gave me permission to shoot your parents.