Thoughts from Scumbag Brain

The past few days have been super hectic, but suffice it to say that I am officially back in Madison, attempting to get back into a routine, have gotten over my home-cold (except for some chapped lips), and had a nearly flawless trip home via Atlanta. Seriously, it couldn’t have gone better unless I’d chartered a private jet; I was first in line in security at BWI and got through in about five minutes; I traded my middle seat for an aisle seat because these two guys wanted to sit together; I got to Atlanta early enough to go nose around in the fancy terminal and enjoy pasta, chili, and peach lemonade; although I sat with a family with a bunch of kids on my flight to Madison, I traded my window seat for one of the kids’ aisle seats and thus became the hero of the flight; I managed to finish a book and get some sleep; and my Uber driver was really nice. That was a lot of semicolons. My apartment, though, was messier than I thought it was, so it’s been cleaning time.

But other than that…

So, I’m sure that you’ve heard of (or experienced) Scumbag Brain. It is also a meme, but basically refers to those times when your brain wants to think about things or do things that the rest of your being does not want at the moment.

I experienced this just about every night I was home. Allow me to set the scene.

Scumbag Brain

Place: My parents’ house

Time: 11:30 PM

Rational Brain: It’s 11:30 PM and you barely slept last night. Shouldn’t you go to bed?

Scumbag Brain: Yeah, but it’s only 10:30 PM at home and you don’t want to mess up your body clock.

12:30 AM.

Rational Brain: Bed?

Scumbag Brain: No! Up!

1:00 AM

Rational Brain: I’m tired, and think it’s time for bed. And look, it’s only midnight.

Scumbag Brain: Haha, it’s 1 AM.

Rational Brain: Screw you, I’m getting ready for bed.

1:30 AM.

Rational Brain: Yay! I have time to read!

Scumbag Brain: But it’s almost 2 AM. Let me think about that.

2:00 AM.

Rational Brain: Now I don’t have any time to read.

Scumbag Brain: Haha! Lights out. Nighty night.

::LIGHTS DOWN. RATIONAL BRAIN IS QUIET. All lines from here on out are SCUMBAG BRAIN::

2:15 AM.

Hey, remember that embarrassing thing you said as a kid? Let’s relive that.

2:30 AM.

What about that other bad thing you did? Let’s go over that.

3:00 AM.

…And that takes care of childhood. Moving onto teenage years…

3:15 AM.

Well, I’m wide awake. How about a song?

3:30 AM.

“But then something went wrong, for Fay Wray and King Kong, they got caught in a celluloid jam.”

“Celluloid jam.”

What comes next?

“something, something, something, outer space.”

Rhymes with “space.” First base? Second base? Chariot race? Can of mace? Pie in the face? A summer place? Ace of Base? Nancy Grace?

3:45 AM.

I should write that down and blog about it. Wait…what?

4:00 AM.

I’m hot, maybe I should go sleep in my sister’s room, it’s cooler and she’s not there.

4:15 AM.

Much better…but this feels awkward, this bed is not as soft and I have to curl up in an awkward position because of the pillows and stuff on the bed.

4:20 AM.

Okay, cooled off, back to my own bed.

4:30 AM

I should write some fan fic!

4:45 AM

That was great, I should start a new blog for fan fic! Is it morning yet? Have I slept at all? Mom always says you sleep more than you think you do.

5:00 AM

So thirsty…should I get up and get a drink of water? No, that’ll definitely wake me up.

5:15 AM

Should I have taken a shower before bed? Do I need a shower? Should I just get up and shower now?

::EVENTUALLY, Jacob falls asleep. No help from SCUMBAG BRAIN.::

Several hours later…

Good morning! What time is it? It’s probably afternoon. Who cares? Okay, just get up and don’t look at the clock until you’ve gotten dressed and ready for the day.

Thanks, Scumbag Brain!

—

Scene 2.

Sometime in the morning.

::phone rings. JACOB answers phone.::

ME: Hello?

MOM: Good morning!

ME: Mom, why are you calling me from your bedroom across the hall?

MOM: Jacob, you got back to Madison yesterday.

::JACOB looks around, notices that he is in a larger bed, in a different bedroom, in a different city and state.::

ME: Huh. So I did.