Better Names for Jobs

Today, I was driving past the middle school I always pass when I head into town, and I noticed that the crossing guard’s vest said “traffic whisperer.” As I drove away, I thought to myself, that’s interesting. I wonder what other jobs could be like that…

Hearse driver, or Lyft for stiffs?

Boathouse owner, or sea shanty?

Bartender, or cocktail therapist?

Dairy farmer, or moo-keeper?

Rabbi, or Jew-keeper? (sorry, couldn’t resist)

Barista, or caffeine puller?

Front-line soldier, or battle croaker?

TSA agent, or metal wizard?

Drummer, or beater?

Pianist, or ivory tickler?



Blog Changes and Fixes and Things for 2018

Man, how time flies.

December was a crap month for blogging, I know, but I think I can fix that in the future. And here’s how!

In 2018, I will…

  • Make a concerted effort to post Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Yes, that means more Flip the Script Fridays, but hey, I’m trying to start a brand here. Or something.
  • Clean up old posts, or fix and republish them.
  • Get rid of some of the pointless posts/placeholder posts.

So there we go.

Here’s to 2018!


Garbage Fashion

Some people describe others as the type that could “throw on a trash bag and look like a million dollars.” While I don’t look like a million dollars, that first part is kind of accurate to my recent experience. Let me explain further…

Last week, I took a friend out shopping. We went to H&M, where they were having some sort of crazy Thanksgiving/Christmas/Boxing Day sale. Originally, I was just going to be the ride, but I saw a black coat in my size that looked super warm and comfy, and it was $50 as opposed to its retail price of $80. So I bought it, and dropped another $10 on a matching black and white scarf and two pairs of gloves. When we got home, I realized I didn’t have a hat to wear with it…

Rewind to last month.

I’m walking down the street, and decide, today is the day I’m going to pick up some trash (if it doesn’t look wet, moldy, or gross) and throw it away. I start with some napkins and a scrap of paper, and then, what do I see on the sidewalk in front of me?

A brand-new black winter hat with fleece lining.

I look around for a minute, then shrug my shoulders and pick it up. I shake it, and nothing flies or crawls out, so I guess it’s finders keepers. I throw it into the back of my car and head off.

Fast forward back to the shopping trip. I drop off my friend and head home. As I park my car, I open the back and wonder where that black hat went. Fortunately, it’s still there, in perfect condition, and it matches the new coat/scarf perfectly. It makes my head look oblong if I don’t pull it down enough, but that’s the same with most winter hats.

And that’s how I essentially bought an entire winter ensemble from H&M to go with some garbage I picked up on the street.


Shopping and Snacking

Raise your hand if you snack when you shop.

Anyone? Everyone?

I’ve heard talk of eating a meal before you shop to sate your hunger and control your impulse to buy snacks while shopping, but honestly…it’s not worth it. Just get the snack. Don’t make it too unhealthy, but get the snack or else you’ll regret it. Today, I went to 2 grocery stores, a bookstore, and Walgreens. At the first grocery store, I saw a box of tomato basil crackers on the clearance shelf. Nothing wrong with them, so I bought them and enjoyed them. At the next grocery store, I bought a black cherry soda, and I actually forgot about it, so I had a nice treat when I got home. It will make you happier and feel more like an adult. And look at it this way: the more you shop, the more calories you burn.

Does not apply to shopping online.


Welcome to Your 30s: The Decade of Unintentional Micromanagement and Reheated Leftovers

I spent a whole five minutes thinking up that title and I am damn proud of that.

Today, Kate drove me to my car after CAPS, and I started our conversation with, “now that I’m in my 30s, I’m suddenly feeling the need to micromanage everything.”

She made a sharp right turn and pumped the gas. “Join the club.”

I do think it’s true though. So far, I have caught myself micromanaging, or attempting to micromanage, four times this weekend. First, at Friday’s initiation ceremony. I arrived right on time, but still couldn’t resist asking if everyone knew what to do and how to do it and cell phones off everyone. Yesterday, it happened twice: in the morning, while I was selling at the Christmas market, and at night, at Salsa Saturday. I’m so sick of people wandering in and not dancing, so I gestured to everyone with whom I made eye contact and directed them to a spot on the floor. At the same time, I was running in and out of the room, holding doors for band members and telling them to go around the back entrance so as to not cut through the dance floor, before asking the band like five times if they were ready. And today at CAPS, I actually tried very hard and don’t think I micromanaged a thing, even if I did possibly nod off for a few seconds there.

I just reheated some tomato soup for the third time, and it might have gotten cold again, so excuse me please.


T The butterfly effect.

Hey what’s up you guys that’s not my line it’s Jenna marbles the slide and sorry I’m blogging from my phone so apologies advance I shouldn’t apologize or whatever I don’t know crossing railroad tracks what is this stop it shut up diet fuck you and I don’t care how I know don’t see this don’t look at the Ross PB Rachel Monica Joey friends chandler Africa Chandler big chandler bang oh my God I can’t see whatever OK fine so hey it’s me Jacob your friend Jacob love you bye now I’m just kidding about done yet I’m yeah so I had a really great day today I promise but I would never talk about my day in the spot but whatever I’m having sort of exit Central crisis and either dead or I’m not Dad and if you’re reading this you’re either daddy or not deny might regret this in the morning I might be drunk and he look rains taking your top off over there no she’s not she’s not anywhere near here I want to play scrabble hey I’m in Middleton what’s up I’m driving this is kind of illegal what’s up Emon so I press the microphone button again because I wanted to anywayI i’m scared are you scared fuck fuck fuck you know you can’t do this I’m gonna regret this in the morning I totally am anyway I am either dead or not so people seriously where will it be when I go where do we go out where the planets who are you I’m there is there multiple universes anyway I am I got to cancel anyway so I am driving right now or just kidding I’m not I’m in Maria calendar who’s Paris I don’t care what is this road I’m on anyway anyway I keep saying anyway so like five times in the sense but whatever OK I’m a Leah oh gosh I’m I’m almost where was earlier White you’re probably reading this and you’re just like who’s writing this is this like a buy Taiwan is this tell Lynn EEEEE dolphin dolphin mix that’s not it off and makes love dolphins no I don’t like pandas I am dating a parent I’m having sex with the panel right now no I’m not that’s gross stop it pepper pepper pepper pepper salt pepper salt pepper a mechanic and say OK I can breathe now anyway so what speed limits 32 I don’t care fuck so anyway am I am having a crisis right now I’m deathly not remember it’s in the morning I’m drunk stoned and stone cold sober I want to Starbucks today and I got a fancy drakeI’m going to publish this now except I’m not I’m I’m on the Gammon Road in Madison Wisconsin USA I don’t know my friend Amy is here with me actually I’m alone in my car anyway I hope you’re not reading if you read this then you have seven days to live just kidding just kidding just kidding I’m yeah I’m Julie Grimes from SNL fat Judy Judy that I’m where am I anyway so I had a good day today I had lunch with Callie or like for like a breakfast he type thing coffee on State Street with Callie I love Callie reset two hours talking together when we are supposed me for seven fucking minutes Ashley says bless a lot I love her and we had a big hug me at sex in the parking lot no we didn’t this is really funny and I wonder if I can set a record for the longest blog post ever released sensible one and maybe the second TV and I don’t know but anyway so I would’ve party and I can’t cross Lana can’t say fucker shit fuck shit I just it anyway where am I am on my way to Gavins I hate the name Gaby anyway so I’m at in southside of Chicago born and raised Westville Adelphia anyway I’m gonna regret some morning anyway oh my God stop it Jacob stop at Freschi Wells Fargo wagon is a calm and down the street up please let it be for me to feel likeThis is super fun and funny and I’ll shit no I don’t have my life right now I’m where is Woodmans Island I’m bout the parking lot that by the highway anyway so I’m and then I have initiation of supersecret and I have physical before then or wait an hour and four minutes and the doctor didn’t even touch my like growing area or whatever78 bleep blah o’clock and I do have a word limit here I don’t know if I do it’sOK stop it goddamnit I’m not getting in road accident tonight anyway anyways so I had a really good time at his party but my mind was racing Chyna like it is right now and whiteI actually saw White Ivan Allen to generous and Oprah Winfrey and she’s black or African Danielle she such a batch on how much the Wegmans I can see the sunrise it’s just kidding it’s after midnight look I am model tough let’s kiss what are you doing on New Year’s Eve I forgot to tell my dad that I leave $96.28 in my bank account and routing number by the way is 23401667 bet that blue poop Texas USA United States miss universe Lexi miss Angola Carly Stroudsburg of Alabama and Gola an Australian guy glue on my gosh am I losing it probably the let’s not get Paul in on and I like to know I’m not gonna try to go shopping cart whatever Despacito Despacito Despacito wallaby wallaby will Mira to W098 G I hope I don’t get arrested tonight I mean oh my gosh arrested development what Shao I’m never seen that show have you seen anybody seen like the riverbank don’t know fuck it’s called I hate my personal trainer I don’t have one actually where is the store open fuck no credit cards are excepted the stores open till 1050 no this is 25 supermarket fuck you Surrey oh my gosh I hope I’m not gonna get rest tonight this is this is craz no don’t fucking cry grandma metamorphosis existence I need everybody has his ex touch of crises that they’re terrified that they’re not remark don’t catch green bags I love you poop nope start stop it now stop Cenami OK people think I’m weird now I’m just blocking through my phone and it’s like just getting basket Despacito mcCormick spices out Pike my butt hurts no it doesn’t where is Mike I’m I’m totally can get a message that people are gonna think that I’m a drop my name is Catherine Catherine and powder halos oranges Jonathan’s apples people are staring at meI c is this thing on copy Roger repeat over and out cheeseburger love cheese bread I have to get some bread for Zeke sequence for the cops to be there at like 10 minutes ago and I’m not thereShoot I garlic pick up the bread and a pic of waivers and I should get some kosher hIWqEnglish of the Fishel language of the night states America actually isn’t actually it’s in a pile of poly Papiamento Mentos Diet Coke and Mentos Wikipedia somebody’s listening to me nobody’s listening to me rant does he like fucking hell eight but no stock sorry if I can even like there’s a bathroom or their home oh my god Sam is coming up and you got a run by a Lupalupa group boob cake what grade is he like fucking shirt sorry I should have the connections total price is right here in the supermarket Murphy’s English muffins I need English muffins now I don’t need English muffins and carbs any apps on the advent Abby I need my best friend Abby right now oh look there’s Jewish rye amEvery everyone can’t be George Washington you now on my gosh I am so Wisconsin actually I’m not I’m from Australia whatever closest European bakery Jan let’s hope the spread is it a moly I’m gonna like so so bad OK got Beretta helping McKinney about spiesq there’s an infinite amount of like things that I could buy you some Krispy Kreme donuts donuts and my gosh I can get some donuts and I can leave some doughnuts home for Zeke when he wakes up because it’s totally gonna be asleep when I get home Krispy Kreme‘s love Krispy Kreme to get the 10 boxes of them but I making the 5000 pounds I am having extra devices Drake is here no he’s not I’m hosting SNL and Amy Schumer now I’m notq I won’t remember any of this when I wake up tomorrow morning just so you know there’s an infinite number of universes out there and is Christmas cookies look at them as Christmas I got to check out poop sorryI’d love for you is there a voice coming from the ceiling zucchini zucchini is a really healthy snackI want time I want bubblegum should I get the hook up my mess talking to my phone I need to check out oh my gosh I’mq I need to stop at Todd stop you know I just lit like a trashcan on fire with the end of my cigar to meet with me what Emma come in hope sorry are you like to take you suck check yet 20 items or less line you got it I got it don’t worry about Emily Emma OK yeah so are the kinds cool hat on I like that hat oh my gosh people are gonna hate me for that OK Gilya can get the story out sorry sorry sorry thank you thank you thank youI i’m outside I’m outside I’m outside and this is because they really need my keys in the store I need to get home actually not going home going to Zeke‘s place probably be there a while ago anyway so I got myself some soup and some cupcakes donuts loafs of bread or just one loaf loaf fish I’m Jesus Jesus Christ hi Jesus Christ superstar I’m a superstar don’t you remember you told me you love me bay bay I spoke French the store I don’t think anybody speaks French black red and white says where’s my carBack inqqI toldqqHq what beep I’m driving in circles not remember 🙂 cup anyway look at the Christmas tree anyway OK so I’m gonna say good night for now on leave a comment and said like and subscribe or don’t I don’t freaking care and actually do you like to freaking care which way is it Zeke’s house somebody help me don’t hit me