For the last few weeks, at least here in America, everything in the news has been about the Republican National Convention, which concluded with Donald “The Human Cheeto” Trump being nominated, and currently, we’re in the middle of the Democratic National Convention, where Hillary “After a 16-Year Break, Ready To Pick Up Where She Left Off” Clinton is the first female major-party candidate in American history. The conventions have been filled with speeches by great American orators such as Melania Trump, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Sarah Silverman, as well as booing, protesting, and awkward out-of-sync dancing. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we Americans don’t get to share the fun with our friends and neighbors from other nations, because a) most of us can’t name more than 5 foreign countries, b) most of you are too busy dealing with actual issues in your own countries, and c) most of you are just happy not to have it thrust in your face 24/7.
But that’s all changed now, because I’ve created a way for you to have your own three-ring circus, wherever you are in the world, with…
The National Convention Lineup Generator
Disclaimer: This might take a while for you to do, but I’ll try not to make it too complicated.
Your convention will be four days, each with a different topic.
Step 1: Take the first four letters of your first name. These will be your topics.
A – Angry
B – Bake
C – Confused
D – Drink
E – Emotional
F – Fart
G – Gassy
H – Hiccup
I – Irritated
J – Juicy
K – Kill
L – Loopy
M – Married
N – Nae Nae
O – Oblong
P – Pregnant
Q – Queer
R – Regular
S – Sigh
T – Twerk
U – Urinate
V – Vomit
W – Wardrobe Malfunction
X – X-Rated
Y – Yawn
Z – Zucchini
Mine would be: Juicy, Angry, Confused, and Oblong.
Step 2: Next, you need someone to open your convention by singing your country’s national anthem? Who will take the honors? It’s the first number in your address.
1 – Madonna
2 – Celine Dion
3 – A chorus of one-armed schoolchildren
4 – Mongolian throat singers
5 – Your least favorite aunt
6 – Roseanne Barr
7 – Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast
8 – The cast of Big Brother
9 – The Baghdad Gay Men’s Choir
Mine would be my least favorite aunt. Joy.
Step 3: Now, you need some speakers! Day 1 will be a female speaker, determined by the final number of the year you were born.. Day 2 will be a male speaker, determined by the last digit of your phone number. Day 3 will be a private citizen, determined by your birth month.
Female Speaker:
0 – Theresa May
1 – Miss Universe 2016, Pia Wurtzbach from the Philippines
2 – Malala Yousafzai
3 – Angela Merkel
4 – Conchita Wurst
5 – Taylor Swift
6 – Kate Middleton
7 – Dame Maggie Smith
8 – Nicole Kidman
9 – Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
Male Speaker:
0 – Kermit the Frog
1 – Vladimir Putin
2 – Lin-Manuel Miranda
3 – Rafael Nadal
3 – Bill Cosby
4 – Pope Francis
6 – Lance Armstrong
7 – Prince George of Cambridge
8 – PSY
9 – Jedward
Private Citizen
January – Your kindergarten teacher
February – A garbage collector
March – A bag lady
April – The exterminator
May – The head of the local nudist colony
June – The kid next door
July – Your long-lost twin
August – Your grandmother
September – Your accountant
October – A local prostitute
November – That annoying guy at the gym
December – Someone who just walked in off the street
Step 4: Now, each of your speakers need topics. Your first speaker will talk about teaching our children about [the date of your birth]. Your second speaker will talk about the dangers to our society presented by [the date of your first blog post] and your third speaker will talk about what we really need is [the date of birth of your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/best friend/life partner take your pick]
1 – Selfies
2 – Rollerskating
3 – Plagiarism
4 – ISIS
5 – Beauty tutorials on YouTube
6 – Game show hosts
7 – AshleyMadison.com
8 – Photoshop
9 – Medical marijuana
10 – Store-brand knockoff Oreo cookies
11 – The 2016 Olympics
12 – Picking your nose and eating it
13 – Zumba
14 – Sweatshirts for dogs
15 – Broccoli
16 – Emojis
17 – Doritos
18 – Pokemon Go
19 – Laser hair removal
20 – Sweet potato fries
21 – The metric system
22 – Hand-me-down bridesmaid dresses
23 – Spaghetti
24 – Adult diapers
25 – Cinnamon-flavored dental floss
26 – Peeing in the swimming pool
27 – Lumberjacks
28 – The Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge
29 – Nuclear warheads
30 – Miniature golf
31 – Babies
Step 5: Finally, it’s your turn to shine. You speak, and then what happens? Look at the time: it’s whatever hour it is, AM or PM.
1 – ::crickets::
2 – Someone starts a slow clap
3 – The crowd joins hands for an emotional chorus of “Call Me Maybe”
4 – Someone throws a bra at you
5 – Someone throws rotten vegetables at you
6 – A fire breaks out and everyone runs for their lives.
7 – You pass gas loudly into the microphone and blame it on a staffer.
8 – You tell everyone to open their hymnals to page 29 and lead the congregation in singing “What A Friend We Have In Jesus,” followed by communion and a bake sale.
9 – You tell everyone that they get a new car!
10 – You put on your jet pack and do aerial stunts above the crowd.
11 – Fireworks go off, scaring the bejeezus out of a bunch of cats in the crowd.
12 – You go “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Now, welcome to…
The National That’s So Jacob Convention
Day 1 – “Make America Juicy Again”
The national anthem will be sung by Jacob’s least favorite aunt.
Headliner: Dame Maggie Smith, “Teaching Our Children about The Metric System.”
Day 2 – “Make America Angry Again”
Headliner: Rafael Nadal, “The Dangers of Miniature Golf to Our Society”
Day 3 – “Make America Confused Again”
Headliner: A local prostitute, “What We Really Need: Lumberjacks.”
Day 4 – “Make America Oblong Again”
That’s So Jacob accepts the nomination, and…some fireworks go off, scaring the bajeezus out of the cats in the crowd.
Your results may vary.
Enjoy!
That’s So Jacob 