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Misfortune Cookies

**Revisiting this post from 10/16.**

Today, I had the good fortune to step into World Market, and the first thing I saw?

A container of black and orange fortune cookies labeled “misfortune cookies.”

Naturally, I had to buy them ($6.99!) and bring them to APO meeting.

They said cute things, but what if they said something like…

 

Things Halloween Fortune Cookies Might Say:

“Are you allergic to peanuts? Whoops.”

“Haha, you’re stuck with the check!”

“You lost the game.”

“Help! I’m trapped in a fortune cookie factory!”

“Made from 100% recycled paper. Toilet paper, that is.”

“I’m boo-ten free!”

“Dare you to fart and blame it on the guy next to you.”

“You don’t even want to know your fortune. Just stuff me back in the cookie.”

“Why are you reading a tiny piece of paper? Get a life!”

“Put the cookie down, fatass.”

“Lies! All lies!”

“Come play with me.”

“Oh no you di’int.”

“I’m right behind you.”

“Don’t you know to knock first? Rude…”

“If you plant me in the ground…nothing will happen.”

“You will regret ordering the moo goo gai pan, right about…now.”

“Where’s the cream filling?”

“That’s just the way I crumble.”

“Any questions?”

Image result for david s pumpkins

Image Credit: BuzzFeed

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Halloween Costumes For Those Who Truly Do Not Care (Yet, For Some Reason, Want To Give The Impression That They Still Do)

Basically, this is me.

Every Halloween.

It’s not that I don’t care…it’s just that…yeah, I really don’t care. I never had it growing up, I never really understood the point, but these days, the best costumes are the cleverest ones, and often ones that don’t take much effort.

For example, this year I’m wearing a blue Oxford, a soft gray sweater, jeans, and tennis shoes. Can you guess who I am?

That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres.

 

Here are some other lazy-person costumes I thought of.

Wife beater + jeans + tie + lots of makeup = 90s era Avril Lavigne.

Old red dress + random plank strapped to your head = Carrie Underwood.

Pink shirt + jeans + backpack = Dora the Explorer.

T-shirt + jeans + broken glasses = Harry Potter, incognito.

Apron + orange sweatsuit + sunglasses = Martha Stewart.

Oversized sunglasses + oversized t-shirt + granny sweater + Starbucks cup = Mary Kate Olsen.

Dog leash + keys = Alicia Keys.

Leather jacket + jeans + sunglasses + tons of baby powder = James Dean.

A bunch of random items = Lady Gaga.

 

Yeah, happy Hallowhatever, everyone.