18

Emily Pudding

That’s So Jacob Presents:

That’s So Nom: Treats and Eats from Jacob’s Completely Amateur Kitchen

Episode 6: Emily Pudding

You’re probably saying to yourself, “well that’s an unusual title for a post.” And I am here to say…that yes, it is. Lost night, a friend of mine on Facebook posted a meme game describing your burlesque name: the name of your first pet + the last thing you ate. I have never had any pets, other than a few fish whose names I’ve forgotten (I think at one point I had a Lars, an Abigail, and a Goldie, or something like that) but in seventh grade, I had a plant who I called Emily. I also had two cacti around the same time, called Lenny and Squiggy due to their resemblances to David Lander (Lenny was tall, spiky and skinny) and Michael McKean (Squiggy was a short, fuzzy, round one). I can’t remember what type of plant Emily was – she might have been a flower, or some ivy – but maybe this is a sign that I should go and buy another plant and name her Emily. And the pudding refers to an unusual pudding dessert/treat/thing I got from one of my favorite recipe sites, The Picky Eater Blog, run by Anjali.

The recipe is for Chocolate Mousse with Raspberries, but I couldn’t find any raspberries (not the season) and it ended up more like a pudding, so it shall hereby be known as Emily Pudding. Here’s how to make it.

  1. Toss a half cup of chia seeds, 1/4 cup of chocolate PROTEIN powder (fitness for the win), 1 cup of milk, and 1 squeeze of honey into your grandmother’s ancient blender.
  2. Blend a little, and when the machine starts to rattle because it forgot how to blender, turn it off, give it a stir, scrape the excess chia off the sides, and blend again.
  3. Chill for 15 minutes. In the fridge. The gloppy mixture, not you.
  4. Scrape it into a bowl, add in 1 cup of fat-free Greek yogurt, and mix it with a mixer.
  5. Notice that it’s a little more chewy than creamy, and tastes a bit off, so add some sprinkles of Hershey’s unsweetened cocoa powder.
  6. Finish most of it yourself while watching TV.

Serves 1 hungry Ph.D. and 2 girls across the hall who enjoy pudding.

This is Emily Blunt eating pudding.

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6

Quinoa-Wa-Wa-Tusi

And let it be known that as of yesterday, That’s So Jacob has hopped on the quinoa train.

Yes, it’s another new recipe. It required a bit more effort than normal, and had mixed results, but it made an awful lot of food, more than I thought it would, for which I am grateful. This recipe comes from Emily at A Nutritionist Eats (not, as I thought it was originally, A Nutrition Is Teats).

That’s So Jacob Presents:

That’s So Nom: Treats and Eats from Jacob’s Completely Amateur Kitchen

Episode 5: Quinoa Black Bean Salad

Step 1: Look at recipes online.

Step 2: Gather ingredients.

Step 3: How does one properly wash quinoa? Isn’t it going to get boiled anyway?

Step 4: Put 1 cup of quinoa into a pot of water. Note that it doesn’t look like an awful lot of quinoa, so throw in a little more. Bring to a boil.

Step 5: While that’s happening, combine your olive oil, honey, lime, and shallots, and whisk.

Step 6: Take the lid off the quinoa, and realize HOLY HELL THAT’S A LOT OF QUINOA. Drain quinoa and dump into whatever bowls you can find

Step 7: Toss the honey-lime vinaigrette with the quinoa and try not to get too much of your quinoa stuck to your hands.

Step 7: Drain black beans, put on quinoa. Mix. Enjoy some quinoa!

Step 8: Wonder why you bought green onions and cotija.

Step 9: Go to the Internet, and sigh in relief that they are the final two ingredients, so chop those onions and put them in, as well as the cotija that you clearly bought way too much of.

Step 10: Enjoy the spare quinoa, put the rest in tupperware containers.

The recipe says to chill overnight, but I ate some while it was still warm and it was flavorful and delicious. I only had a few forkfuls, then chilled the rest. I just had some right now, and it’s not terrible but I think it tasted a little better warm. Oh well, at least I have enough quinoa black bean salad for the rest of eternity. Off to find some new recipes, maybe for chicken or fish this time.

2

LBBBB

One of my summer resolutions was to try out some new recipes, hopefully healthy ones, and so last night I tried my hand at this LBBBB, AKA a Chipotle-style black bean burrito bowl, thanks to Anjali of The Picky Eater Blog.

That’s So Jacob Presents:

That’s So Nom: Treats and Eats from Jacob’s Completely Amateur Kitchen

Episode 4: Little Black Bean Burrito Bowl

Step 1: Look at recipes online.

Step 2: Salivate at the pretty pictures, then get your ass up and out to the store to buy ingredients. Except…cottage cheese, no thank you (don’t hate me, I just never liked it!)

Step 3: Come home and procrastinate until dinnertime.

Step 4: Chop 1 onion, 1 yellow pepper, and 1/2 jalapeno pepper, and saute in canola oil. Sprinkle garlic powder on top because I don’t have a garlic press and garlic powder works just fine.

Step 5: Sprinkle on a dash of cumin and a dash of chili powder, then dump the black beans on top. Boil for 10-15 minutes, realizing that if you put the salmon in the oven for 20 minutes at the same time, you can just turn the stove off when the timer hits 5:00. SMART!

Step 6: Heat some rice and corn in the microwave.

Step 7: Take bowl. Put in rice, then mixture, then corn. Sprinkle on cilantro and salsa

Step 8: Enjoy your protein filled deliciousness, and get halfway through before realizing that you bought diced tomatoes but didn’t use them, but it tastes good anyway.

Makes 2-3 dinner-sized portions. Refrigerates very nicely.

I’m currently eating my second portion for dinner, and am happy to say that it’s just as delicious as the first. So, consider this a success! Thanks, food blog!

And hooray for six continent day! Welcome to North America (Canada and USA), South America (Guyana), Europe (UK, Netherlands, and France), Asia (India, Philippines, and Qatar), Africa (Sudan), and Oceania (Fiji). Come back soon, I’m nice!

4

Tiny Edible Penguins for Humans Big and Small

This semester, I’m on the education team for our Theatre for Young Audiences (TYA) production, which happens to be about penguins. As e-team members, we will not be performing in the shows but making programs (paper and online), educational materials for classrooms, lobby displays, school assemblies, and other things that I am probably forgetting to mention here. At Wednesday’s rehearsal, the creative food artist in me had an epiphany: there must be some recipe that we can include in the material for the children to do. I had this image of tiny penguins made from olives and cream cheese. Because I always look for any excuse to do work/not do work, I decided to stay up until 2 in the morning making culinary masterpieces for class today, and I call them Baby Penguin Canapes. I have not written the childrens’ version yet, but here’s the adult version of what will surely become a culinary classic.

That’s So Jacob Presents:

That’s So Nom: Treats and Eats from Jacob’s Completely Amateur Kitchen

Episode 3: Baby Penguin Canapes

Step 1: Look at recipes online and then realize that you can probably figure it out yourself.

Step 2: Grab a fellow blogger and head to Target to buy ingredients. I chose Princess Ciarawho happens to be in my dance class. Together, go to Target, buy carrots, olives, and cream cheese. Intersperse with bits of gossip.

Step 3: Come home and realize you probably should have bought regular carrots but these baby carrots will have to do.

Step 4: Chop carrots into little circles.

Step 5: Very carefully, cut a tiny wedge from the carrot circle. Put that aside for now; that will become the beak. The Pac-Man shaped piece will be the feet.

Step 6: Make a ball of cream cheese about the size of a large olive. Put it on the carrot feet.

Step 7: Wash an olive, then cut it long ways.

Step 8: Slap the sides of the olive on the cream cheese ball, gingerly. As in, with ginger. Seriously, that’s a weird phrase. Who came up with that? The olives will be the wings.

Step 9: Wash a second olive and make a small slit in it short ways.

Step 10: Remember that tiny piece of carrot that may or may not have fallen on the floor or in the sink? Wedge it into the second olive and make it look like a beak.

Step 11: Put the second olive on top of the cream cheese ball, and hold for a few seconds until it stays.

Step 12: You’ve made a penguin. Celebrate!

Step 13: Realize that you need to transfer the penguin to a Tupperware. Put in refrigerator and hope that people appreciate it when you bring it to them the next day. (Spoiler alert: they went surprisingly well!)

Makes about 8 penguins, or until you feel you’ve lost control of your sanity.

Helpful Advice: Keep the olives washed and dried because you will get cream cheese everywhere. Keep the counter clean and dry or else the penguins will slide dangerously close to the edge. Stabilize with a toothpick, or if you’re feeling fancy, a cocktail umbrella.

And…double yay for another six-continent day! No new countries, but warm welcomes to North America (Canada, USA, Antigua and Barbuda, and Mexico), South America (Chile), Europe (UK, Germany, France, Spain, Czech Republic, and Norway), Africa (Mayotte), Asia (UAE, Singapore, India, and Philippines) and Oceania (Australia and Guam).

 

1

Honey Cake on a Whim for Rosh Hashanah

I woke up this morning, and I was like, holy crap, it’s Rosh Hashanah.

Well, not now, but later tonight.

And I haven’t done anything for it.

Then I went to class, and when I got home, it hit me: I should totally bake something. Last year, I baked a honigkuchen (honey cake) so I thought I’d bake it on a whim, and thereby establish it as a traditional honigkuchen (ooh aah). I found my old recipe, and with about two hours to go until class, I decided to give it a try.

That’s So Jacob’s Kitchen Presents

That’s So Nom

Episode 2: Between-Class On-A-Whim Honey Cake for Rosh Hashanah

Step 1: Gather ingredients.

Step 2: Realize you don’t have all the correct ingredients midway through preparation, so run out to the corner store to buy the remainder for rip-off prices. Be pleasantly surprised when the store actually has normal prices for things – $5 for applesauce, cinnamon, baking soda, and brown sugar? SWEET.

Step 3: Return home and complete the cooking to the sounds of the Ronnie Spector station on Pandora.

Step 4: Put in oven, for twenty-five minutes.

Step 5: Start your reading for class, occasionally checking on the cake.

Step 6: When the timer beeps, check the cake. If it’s still a watery mess in a tin, close oven door and set timer for another 10 minutes.

Step 7: Repeat step six about 5 times because it doesn’t seem to be baking.

Step 8: If on or about the sixth time you check on it it’s still warmed-up ingredient soup in a tin, call mother and freak out at her. Then put on bottom rack in oven for about 10 more minutes, for the last. fucking. time.

Step 9: Remove hot cake from oven, finally cooked, but realize that the batter has overflowed the pan and it looks like somebody pooped in your oven.

Step 10: Laugh uncontrollably at the fake poop in the oven, then take picture of it and send it to your sister in Washington. Consider leaving the poop outside your neighbor’s door as a prank, but eat it instead because it’s actually not poop but delicious honey cake.

Step 11: Put cake in bag and wrestle with the Cling Wrap (the official baking tool of SATAN) to attempt to cover the hot cake in it to stay hot, but ultimately only pull off a few tiny pieces.

Step 12: Realize that you’re going to be late for class unless you leave RIGHT NOW so wrap that burning hot cake in a bag, tuck it under your arm, and run down State Street like it’s the Superbowl.

Step 13: Arrive in class at exactly 4:00 (phew). Plop cake down in bag, on the table but not yet visible. Proceed to torture yourself and your classmates with the delicious smell of honey, and realize that you are now sweaty, have brown stains on your khakis, and smell like a combination of delicious cake and the garlic sauce you made to go on your salmon last night. Hope no one else notices the garlic emanating from you. Practice saying “honigkuchen” in your head several times.

Step 14: At class’s conclusion, reveal the lovingly-baked honigkuchen to a chorus of delight and confusion. Pretend that you just dashed it off casually while reading Chinese and Japanese performance theory texts as if you are Little Suzy Grad Student. Cut off in hunks and serve on napkins. Serves six hungry and curious East Asian studies graduate students and two confused but relieved East Asian studies professors.

Your results, as always, may vary.

Shana tova, y’all.

4

Foolproof Food For Every Mood

These past few weeks, I’ve been trying to lose weight for the Phoenix/San Juan/Baltimore trip. I should be working more on packing my apartment and doing research, but this post will not be about that. I’ve been spending most of my days (when I’m not in bed) exercising and focusing on eating healthier. This week hasn’t been the greatest for my exercise, but as far as my dieting goes, I don’t think I’m doing that badly. I’m not focusing on being strict as far as time; I’ve been eating when I’m hungry, and stopping when I’m full. I’ve been avoiding any type of “zombie food,” like chips or pretzels, things that you eat subconsciously when watching TV or on the computer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My problem, though, is picking foods that are tasty, satisfying, and healthy. It seems like everything has something in it that’s bad for you, but here are some things that I’ve been consuming over the past few weeks that have kept me sane and helped me lose weight. Also, disclaimer, I know nothing about nutrition so this might all be wrong, but just go with it.

1. Protein shakes.

As everyone knows, it’s all about the protein. And the protein shake is the way to get it in the morning, after a workout, or at night. I’ve been having one with breakfast, and after a workout. Beware: some of them are very sugary and some contain animal products. My brand of choice is the Whole Foods 365 brand: organic and not too sugary.

2. Eggs.

The other main protein source, the ever-popular egg. My breakfast usually consists of four boiled egg whites, although I have been known to make a mean omelette. There is good stuff in the yolk as well, but also some fat and cholesterol, which is bad considering my personal family history.

3. Coffee.

The jury’s always out on coffee, but sixteen ounces of black iced coffee, sometimes with a half-packet of sugar, ups the caffeine without a lot of the fat of milk and/or syrups.

4. Tuna fish.

Tuna fish was a whole food group in my house growing up, so I have no problem eating it in any form, raw, cooked, or from a can. I don’t add anything but black pepper. I stopped putting mayonnaise in awhile back, and I recently had some mayo on a tuna sandwich at a restaurant and found that it had a bit of a sour taste that I didn’t notice before, so I don’t think I’ll be adding it back in. Also, it quantifies eating bread, because who can say no to tuna on rye? Especially if that rye has RAISINS in it. Thank you, Angelic Bakehouse.

5. Tilapia.

Cooking fish is really not as hard as everyone thinks. I just shove it in the oven for about fifteen and it comes out flaky and delicious. Woodman’s sells huge bags of frozen tilapia, so that’s basically what’s in my freezer, aside from…

6. Chicken.

I usually tell the world that I’m a vegetarian or pescetarian, mostly because I don’t want to have to explain kashrut every day of my life. And when I do talk about chicken to a friend who thinks I’m a vegetarian but doesn’t know about kosher, I just say that “I don’t trust restaurants,” or “I only like chicken the way I make it.” Both are somewhat true; restaurants are overpriced, and I’ve never disliked any chicken I’ve made. Metcalfe’s has bags of frozen Empire chicken, $16 a bag but worth it for the kosher symbol.

7. Iced tea.

Diet Lipton citrus green and mixed berry are my new roommates. They’re too awesome to pay rent, so I just let them loaf.

8. Sparkling water.

First, there was water. BUT THEN THEY MADE IT SPARKLY AND FRUITY WITHOUT ADDING SUGAR.

9. Nuts and baby carrots.

I’ll admit, the only snacky food that I do partake in are almonds and baby carrots. Seriously, just turn on the TV and stuff your face with a half a bag of carrots and some almonds. Your body will thank you.

10. Peanut butter/almond butter and jam sandwiches.

Oh PB&J, how I do love thee. Sugar free jam is the way to go, and chocolate almond butter is like eating Nutella, only not.

11. Salads.

Yay for eating salads! Boo for making them at home though, I usually go out and have huge salads at restaurants because I am lazy and veggies go bad too quickly.

12. Indulgences.

I do indulge, like everyone else, from time to time. But when I do, it’s on foods/drinks that have some nutritional value, albeit very little, but not horrible in moderation. My food indulgences: biscotti (one piece and I’m done), cheese (as a topping for salads/eggs only), and Chipotle (sofritas salads for the win). My drink indulgences: diet soda (usually just one can/cup at a restaurant), Caffe D’Vita (a little sugar, but not a whole lot), and lattes with skim milk and sugar-free syrup (usually a weekend treat).

My diet could probably use a few more vegetables, but overall, I’m not depriving myself of nutrients and eating healthy portions. And yes, I do crave Twizzlers, cookies, cake, pizza, pasta, Starbucks, but not enough to cave and get them.

Here’s to getting in shape for the summer.

Oh, and welcome to my newest visitors from Bahrain, Kuwait and Oman. Apparently I’m big on the Arabian Peninsula; now if only the Yemenites would come and say hello.