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What Adults Are Thinking At Birthday Parties for 2-Year-Olds

What time is it starting? 4:00 PM? Okay, I can leave the house at 3:45.

Wait…do I bring a present? What if I do, and no one else does…won’t that be weird? What if I don’t, and everyone else does…am I heartless and cruel?

Screw it, it’s 3:57 and I’ve gotta head out. I guess I’ll be fashionably late.

Wait, two-year-olds don’t really know what fashion is. Do they even know what birthdays are yet?

4:10 PM. Okay, officially heading out the door.

Okay, I’m here, not the first and not the last.

Wow, there are no other children here except for the one who’s having a birthday, and ironically, the only one refusing to wear a party hat.

Thank goodness I’m not the only one without a gift.

Let’s see…who’s here?

Oh, he’s here. Ugh. He tries way too hard to be funny.

And there’s the chick in her thirties who’s sitting on the floor, pretending to get the birthday girl’s attention with toys, but secretly enjoying playing with dolls without being judged. To her knowledge, at least.

Some guy I don’t know, some girl I don’t know…are these friends of the parents or is their kid part of MENSA?

Oh look, Fat Libby’s here. Of course, she’d be here, she can sense an event with free food two miles away.

Speaking of food, what a spread.

Of course, no one’s eating, because we are adults and therefore always dieting, even though there are little signs saying “diet fruit punch,” “gluten-free pizza,” and “cupcakes made with free-range eggs.”

Except the salad, fruit, and veggie platter, which are gone in a flash, and the water pitcher that the hostess is constantly refilling.

Oh, look! The one couple with an actual child is here! This means it’s officially a birthday party for a child and not a bunch of adults sitting around in party hats without alcohol.

Cake time! Let’s sing! And again! And again!

Adorable cake, let’s cut it!

The birthday girl gets the first slice. Also getting cake: her face, her hair, her dress, the floor, the chair she’s sitting on, her mom’s blouse.

Five minutes later…no one else is having cake. Of course.

Oh, wait a minute…here comes Fat Libby. Go figure.

Two slices of the giant cake gone.

Time for presents!

Here, have this card, even though you can’t read it yet. Total waste of $3.95. He could’ve scribbled on a piece of construction paper and it wouldn’t make a difference.

Sucker.

Wow, toys! What a surprise! Yes, you can play with them now, in the middle of the room, with all of us watching. That’s not at all creepy.

Oh look, the adults are playing with the toys. The child is elsewhere, exploring the boxes and bags they came in.

Okay, it’s been like thirty-five minutes, party’s over, can I go now?

“Happy second birthday” ::hug and kiss the adorable birthday girl:: ::chorus of awwws::

Well, that’s over. Now back to my regular schedule of doing nothing.