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Terrible People, Part 3: #Hashtaggers

#Annoying.

This blog post has been brought to you by the hashtag, otherwise known as the most annoying Internet trend of the 21st century.

It started on Twitter, as a way of linking posts on common topics. I heard about it then, and thought “gee, that could get annoying,” even though it did serve a purpose. (I do not have a Twitter account, that being one of the reasons). But then, it shifted over to Facebook. And now real life, from advertising to clothing to everyday speech.

And I’ve had just enough of seeing and hearing it everywhere.

It’s lost its original purpose. Now, a hashtag is just an excuse for someone to say more unnecessary things, because we live in a world where everyone a) talks too much, and b) doesn’t value or understand the meaning of silence. Take a break once in awhile, people. You’re not that great, and your multiple hashtagged Facebook posts aren’t helping anyone or anything; they’re just cries for the attention that you probably don’t deserve. You could say the same pointless thing with words with capitalization, punctuation, and correct spelling soidonthavetospendtenminutesfiguringoutwhatthehellyouretalkingabout.

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but here are some of the more ridiculous hashtags that have popped up on my Facebook feed in the recent past (as in the past three hours, capitalization provided for emphasis):

#LevelUp

#CantTouchThisDananana

#TenStaples

#AfternoonWalk

#CrossingTheLake

#TinyBallerinas

#TheResemblanceIsUncanny

#WhereDoWeCashIn

#MaybeDukeNeedsAGirlfriend

#SpookyFaggots

#AiportSwag [sic]

#FlexForChrist (seriously?!?!)

And the absolute worst…

Drumroll please…

The people who hashtag THEIR OWN NAMES.

I really, really wish I was kidding. But I’m not. So far I’ve seen two people do this. The first, a girl hashtagging her rap name to promote her new album, is more on the understandable side but still not quite there. The second person is a guy who hashtags his own name, among a sea of other random hashtags, several times a day. I’m pretty sure that he’s single, but deeply in love with himself.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what humanity has come to in 2015.

You, sir, are a Terrible Person.

No, not a #terribleperson, but an actual Terrible Person.

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Masterpiece Youtube: “Winter Song,” Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson

That’s So Jacob presents: Masterpiece YouTube

Episode 6: “Winter Song,” Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, 2008

I never thought I could ever feel this cold in my life. Never in two years of living in Massachusetts did it ever drop this low on the thermometer. It’s in the single digits here in Wisconsin, but it feels like negative double.

This music video is a quaint animation piece I’d expect more from someone like Zooey Deschanel. But it’s from Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. Bareilles is known for her one mega-hit (or meta-hit), “Love Song,” which come about presumably after a producer told her to write a love song and she turned the tables with a “fuck you I’m going platinum.” At the time, Michaelson’s career hadn’t really taken off yet, but she’s picked up plenty of steam in the past five years.

The lyrics of the song are rather simple, and the story it tells is of two young girls in a snowy environment. An old-timey cuckoo bird brings us to a cute little cabin with two girls with hearts on their cheeks. They are presumably sisters, although one’s a brunetter and one’s a redhead. Their cabin is adorable, but oh so very isolated. They go and pick up small objects from the ground, and then WHOA THEY’RE FLYIN’ ON A LEAF. And then it dumps them conveniently next to their cabin, using their dresses as parachutes, as I’m sure no dress in the world does. Their home is full of old, dead plants. They go to bed, and the next morning they drag a huge sled out to play with and go on an epic sledding adventure. Far from home,the girls keep walking on their search for something. It gets dark. All seems hopeless until a ray of sunlight peeks through and a flower blooms. The scenery changes, the snow melts, and things bloom. They run, and even though they just took a several second long sleigh ride quite a distance away, somehow they’re merely feet from home. They get home, and seeing their former snow fortress transform into a lovely little blue bungalow. Brunette jumps in the air, and despite the fact that the weather has now greatly improved, they run inside their house, but not a moment too soon as a tree bursts through from beneath their foundation, and now they live in a treehouse. I hope they zoned for that.

In short, this video is a flashback to simpler days when gathering fallen hearts, having awesome leaf and sleigh rides and attempting to grow plants was all there was to do in the world. The isolation is countered by the sweetness and homeyness of the cozy cabin in the woods, a place I’d love to escape to, snow or not. For some reason, I can’t deal with the cold but I spent all day gazing at a snowfall instead of doing work, which was probably not a great idea, but it just felt peaceful to me. To me, falling snow doesn’t mean shoveling, falling, and driving in it – it means hot chocolate, fuzzy pajamas, and bracing walks to town in awe of the beautiful, even blankets of snow covering the earth. Everyone in Houston said I was crazy for choosing Wisconsin and its snow over Texas, but all in all the cold eventually goes away and spring will come, more beautiful than ever. Until then, you can be warm and enjoy the snow anyway. Plus I’ve got plenty to entertain myself with in my own apartment.

The story of the song’s inception is an even better story – apparently it was crowd-sourced by Twitter. I don’t have a Twitter account but I’d make one if I could get Sara Bareilles to write me a love song out of it.

Oh, right, she won’t.

This episode of Masterpiece YouTube has been brought to you by procrastination. Procrastination: Make Big Things Go Farther Away and Become Scarier, and Small Things Become Bigger, More Immediate, and More Comforting.