2

You’re Never Quite Ready

That’s what my mom says about Passover.

It’s just the weirdest thing, Passover. So, the Jews left Egypt without giving time for their bread to rise. In their honor, we spend 8 days every spring on a modified version of the Atkins diet. No bread, nothing with leavening. Basically, every food worth eating. For some reason, someone decided that rice, corn, and beans – vegetable which undergo the great sin of expanding in water – are a no go as well. This wouldn’t be a huge problem for me, except lately I’m been filling up on comfort foods, living off of sushi, PB&J and tuna sandwiches.

So…what do you do to prepare?

Do you…

…abstain from carbs to train yourself?

…eat normally?

…enjoy as many carbs as you can because this time tomorrow you will be craving them?

I’m all for the third option.

7

Things I’m Sick of Hearing

This might develop into a series, but I’m pretty serious…it’s been a stressful week and I’ve discovered that my patience is already beginning to wear thin, despite being just the second week of school.

On The Phone

“Say that again?” – I don’t mumble, I speak clearly and actually usually a little too loudly into the phone, so either turn your volume up or pay attention because I’m pretty sure they can hear me in Connecticut.

In The Classroom

Can we play Sugar Salt? No. We cannot and we will never play that game, ever, again.

I have four things to say. No. One. Just choose one.

Can I please go to the bathroom? You went twenty minutes ago, and we have a break in another twenty, and you’re eight. You don’t need to.

I don’t want to play. Fine, go off to military school.

At the Jewelry Stand

When are you open again? Never. If you don’t buy it today, you will never see us again.

How much longer are you open for? I don’t know, are you planning on buying anything?

I’ll come back later. THAT’S A LIE. Never once has someone come back later.

How much for the dog? No. No. SHUT UP AND GET OUT. Seriously. He’s our pet. It wasn’t funny the first time I heard it, and it hasn’t been funny ever since.

Here’s what I want to say in response to that inane question, but can’t:

  • We sell jewelry, not animals.
  • I don’t know. How much for your firstborn child?
  • You are so clever! I have never had anybody ask that before! How ever did you come up with that?
  • Bad joke, you owe me twenty dollars.
  • Buy some jewelry now because you’re getting on my nerves.
  • SHUT UP AND GET AWAY FROM THE STAND AND OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER.