15

iOS 10, What the Fresh Hell?

I updated my iPhone to iOS 10 because it was getting very slow, and I so regret that decision.

It took me at least two hours to figure out how to turn off the suggest words feature, and I’m still trying to get used to the new font, the weirdly big letters/numbers, the terrible music app that rearranged all my songs.

Hope I can figure this out before iOS 11 comes out.

14

Good Morning…I Think?

So, today, I went shopping and then was super hungry, so I had dinner at Journey, the Chinese/Japanese/crazy seafood (and everything else) all you can eat buffet, and after three plates, I was so full I could have rolled home. When I got home, I was so tired that I completely passed out in bed, in my clothes, with my laptop next to me.

I opened my eyes, and it was 7:50. Darn, I thought, must’ve slept the whole night in my clothes. Oh well, that’s okay, time to get up anyway. Then I looked outside as I was getting up and going through my sock drawer, and I realized that it was kind of dark for for this hour in the morning.

So I checked my phone, and it was, of course, 7:50 PM, and still Sunday, and I had a meeting to get to at 8 PM. I ended up getting to the meeting just a few minutes late, but seriously, how did I sleep for two hours, max, and think it was the next morning?

It’s weird…I’m kind of sick of this weekend, which I needed so desperately, but now that I’ve had a day of mostly nothing, I’m kind of ready to go back to doing stuff. Kind of.

How’s your weekend going?

9

On Gourmet Toy Shops

Today, my parents and I were in the mall, and we went into a store that seemed to be quite specific, and overpriced at that…

It’s what I call a gourmet toy shop.

Not quite The Magic Toyshop by Angela Carter, but not quite The Disney Store either. Apparently the brand Melissa & Doug is the big thing, but seriously, patented play toys seem to be the go-to business. I mean, the cheapest item I saw was 10 dollars. There were all the toys I played with as a kid, but modernized versions of hyper-bright colors and with way more plastic packaging. And in a few years, the toy will end up in the trash or at a thrift stop when the child ages out.

But there was a magnetic fridge puzzle of the state of Wisconsin.

And that’s how I now have $10 at Playthings on my credit card bill.

3

Yet Another Reason Why I Don’t Like Car Dealerships (And Why I Love Amazon Prime)

Wow, a daytime post. Yada yada yada.

So, last week, the lightning adapter on my car’s iPhone charger came off and disappeared somewhere in or out of my car. So, I went to Target, bought a new adapter, put it on the cord, plugged it back in, and…nothing. When I tried to take it off, it was stuck. So stuck that I literally had to rip it off, damaging the iPhone charger cord in the process. I took it to Graphite (a niche computer store on University Avenue with actual technicians who know what they are talking about, unlike Target), and they said that it was a specialty piece for my car, and they had nothing like it in their store. They suggested I either a) go to the dealership, or b) go online (they did a cursory search, and found one for $50).

I chose the first option, and after a few days (and buying a cheap cigarette lighter charger that would charge my phone, but not play music over the stereo system), I went to a Nissan dealership that shall remain unnamed, to see if they could help me. I was directed to the parts department, gave them my cord, and after about 10 minutes, the guy who works there returned, and said.

“We have one left in stock. It’s $100”

Obviously, no deal. After calling my dad in shock at how much this stupid cord cost, I decided to look online for one. So last night, I went on Amazon and searched. I found a cord advertised for 2013 model of my car (which is 2015) that looked very similar, so I put it in my cart and bought it. How much was it?

Fourteen. Ninety. Nine.

And because I’m an Amazon Prime member, there was free one-day shipping or free two-day shipping available (but seriously, why would you want two-day shipping when you could have one-day shipping? Logic?). Despite ordering it relatively late at night, it showed up early this morning, having come from Indiana (despite the return address being a warehouse in Kentucky). I got in my car at about 1 PM, plugged it into the car, put on the Lightning adapter, and plugged my iPhone in, and prayed that it would work.

Unsurprisingly, it did.

Seriously, car dealership guy, not cool. 100 dollars for something I could get online for 14.99? This is why nobody wants to be friends with you. People claim that the Internet can be bad for business, but in this case? Not so much.

And that’s another reason why a) car dealerships are terrible and b) Amazon Prime is amazing.

13

Random Thought of the Day: Word Choice 2

As I was researching today, I read a paragraph, immediately went yoggity-yoggity-yoggity a la Scooby Doo, and then read it again. I could not think of anything that wasn’t dirty, so I knew I had to share it with the world.

It was, of course, the fundamental purpose of Zionism to make the Jews autonomous, not only in their political institutions but also in their social and economic institutions. Nevertheless, success in achieving sovereignty brought with it unexpected problems arising from the sudden erection of a state apparatus. So, too, even as Zionism achieved an intrinsic aim by freeing Israel from the subordination of its judiciary to British legal practices and legal authorities, it encountered the unexplored difficulties of living according to Jewish law.

I don’t know about you, but if your state apparatus is erect from more than four hours, seek medical help.

Thanks, Jehuda Reinharz, for your insights on “Transition from Yishuv to State.”

5

That’s Not My Face

Warning: rant ahead.

So I have this one friend, who happens to not be white (okay that sounds weird, kind of like I only have one non-white friend, which is actually not the case), and every time there is a young white male in the news, he always goes “you look like you could be [person in the news]’s twin/older brother/cousin.”

I have told him time and time again, I know that yes, it’s a stereotype that all Asians look the same, but I do not look like all or any of these people. Seriously. He’s compared me to everyone from Josh Duggar to some guy he met on the bus, and yesterday, he told me that I could be Brock Turner’s older brother. Despite the fact that we look absolutely. Nothing. Alike. If it’s a joke, it’s gotten way too annoying, but still, no.

That’s probably one of the least flattering things anyone’s ever said to me.

4

Thanks for the Vote of Confidence, Amazon Textbook Rentals

Normally, I buy all my textbooks for class. However, I had a class this semester which required a very expensive textbook – I couldn’t even find a decently-priced used copy – so I decided to try out Amazon Textbook Rentals for the first time. It seemed kind of like an early version of Netflix, but for books: you pay to rent a book for a relatively cheap price ($24 for this one, when it retails around $60), they send it to you, and after a certain amount of time you print out a shipping label and send it back. The sending back part is free thanks to UPS.

So, I bought the textbook, used it the prerequisite number of times for the class, and then returned it a few days ago via UPS. Yesterday, I get an email saying (the bold was highlighted by me):

Dear JACOB,

Thanks for sending back your rentals. The carrier received your package on Thursday, May 12, 2016. All future late charges on these items are stopped. We will send you an email once we have processed your return (please allow up to 30 business days).

Well, gee, Amazon, thanks for the vote of confidence. Why would you talk about hypothetical future late charges when they’re nonexistent, and will never exist, because I returned the book on time? I know it’s probably just processed boilerplate, but it makes me sound a little on the “naughty child” side, as if you were expecting me to return it late, or something. I’m imagine you pacing, all ready and raring to go with late fine emails addressed to me just sitting in your draft box, waiting to be sent. Really, now. It’s like…was there an office pool, betting on whether I’d return it on time or not?

“He’s not going to return it on time, Carol, I just know this guy’s gonna lose it in his apartment or leave it at a Starbucks.”

“Oh golly gee Jim, have a little faith. Speaking of Starbucks, you wanna go out and get some?”

“No thanks, I’m in a relationship.”

“I know, lighten up Jim, that wasn’t a come-on, I just want some hot coffee.”

“So get some in the break room, and…::phone rings:: hold up, it’s Lynette, I gotta take this call.”

“Yeah whatever. See ya Jim.”

“Bye Carol.”

“::murmur:: note to self…find out where this Lynette lives and how to get rid of her…”

And that’s how Carol got fired from Amazon.

12

1300 Followers and Useless Commercials

Most commercials are useless, but some are just particularly and spectacularly so.

For example, I saw a commercial tonight for Kleenex. I mean…it’s not a startup from Wauwatosa, it’s freaking Kleenex. Most people don’t even realize that it is a copyrighted band name, like Q-Tip or Jacuzzi. If my mother were ever a drag queen, her name would be Nita Pisa-Kleenex for the amount of times she said it growing up. I understand advertising for a television show, a new brand of cereal, or even a used car dealership, but seriously…Kleenex. Not that hard of a sell. Like cheese, milk, cotton…

Oh, and of course, welcome to my 1300th follower, Little Green Raven! Can I get to 1400 by April? May?

10

Jacob What?

No, this is not a post about my crazy brain that’s going to make your head spin.

Nor is this a post that’s about an undiscovered temple in the Cambodian rainforest.

Nope, it’s just your everyday, average rant about something I don’t like.

You know when you start a conversation with someone new, or you get introduced to someone new? The conversation normally goes something like this.

YOU PERSON: Hi there.

ME: Hi, nice to meet you!

YOU PERSON: Nice to meet you too. I’m [You], what’s your name?

ME: I’m Jacob.

YOU PERSON: Jacob…what?

Bitch, WHAT? Michelle Tanner style

::explosion of rage in my head::

I know this is super weird and really, really petty, but why in the world do you need to know my last name, before we continue with the niceties like “how are you?” or “where are you from?”

First of all, let’s start with You. Nine times out of ten, you introduce yourself as You. Not as You Person, not Mr./Mrs. You Q. Person, but You. And then you expect me to tell you my last name?

If I want you to know my last name right off the bat, I’ll tell you, no big deal. But when you hold that expectant pause, it’s like you can’t go on in life without knowing my last name, despite me not knowing yours. It puts me in a super-awkward spot then, because, what if I don’t want you to know my last name right now? What if I don’t feel like introducing myself beyond the “Hi-I’m-Jacob-nice-to-meet-you-bye” today? What if it just plain doesn’t matter because we’re never going to see each other again, and by the time we do, we’ll have forgotten each other’s first names?

I’ve caught myself saying it to people a few times, especially when I know I’ve met them before but can’t quite place them, but unless I’m flirting (and actually, this is probably a very unsexy way to start a conversation; maybe this is why I don’t date), there’s no need to demand information from anyone when you first meet them.

Most people I’ve met in life do not do this. The demographic of people who ask this question is usually 40s-70s, male, and Jewish. Quite possibly a rabbi, who then wants to know your hometown, your parents’ names, your Hebrew name, what shul you go to, and if you’ve put on tefillin this morning (if you’re a male). But in general, it’s just nosy people who want to add another possible notch to their Jewish geography standings. Now, don’t get me wrong, Jewish Geography is the Game of Champions – seriously, if it were an Olympic sport, I would try out for the team – but I generally don’t break out into full-on JG until the second or third time we meet, or if it’s a situation neither of us can get out of, like waiting for a bus, stuck in a really long line, or in the trenches of the wintry French countryside in World War I. Unfortunately, to the above demographic, if you choose not to engage with their question, you kinda look like an asshole, and even more so if you lie.

Then this happens:

“Jacob Bergenpretzel. Bergenpretzel? Of the New York Bergenpretzels or the Miami Bergenpretzels? You’re from Germany, right…which part? Are you related to Milton Ber-no, wait-Melvin Bergenpretzel? No? How about Gertrude Bergenpretzel? I knew a Gertrude Bergenpretzel, she used to play mahj with my mother-in-law…was she your grandmother, or cousin, or maybe a great-aunt? Is Bergenpretzel short for something? What’s your mother’s maiden name?”

And then they get into health insurance form territory and it’s just a downward spiral from there. Especially because you know that all the answers will be no, because you just plucked Bergenpretzel out of the back of your brain.

So here’s a solution: get to know me a little better. Ask me where I’m from, or how my day was, or what’s on my mind. Then ask for the rest of the details. Or just don’t ask me that question at all because I don’t owe you a thing, it’s that simple.

Unless you’re from the IRS.

In which case, you probably already know my last name.

Word.

Holla for a six-continent day; what up, USA, Chile, UK, Netherlands, Belgium, France, India, Sudan, Australia?