The Overly Dramatic Memoir Generator

One Small BoatThree Little WordsFive Smooth Stones.

Everyone’s read at least one in their life: an overly dramatic, too sappy memoir that is some person’s personal journey to emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual health/perfection/nirvana, and so can you. They show up in book clubs, on summer reading lists, and in psychiatrists’ waiting rooms. And they’re all equally annoying.

Well, guess what? Now, thanks to That’s So Jacob, you can have an instant best-seller with a personalized overly dramatic memoir about your life in a few simple steps!

Behold: That’s So Jacob’s Overly Dramatic Memoir Generator.

  1. Pick the first digit of your phone number. Mine is four.
  2. If you were born between January and June, pick a word that describes the first thing you touch with your left hand. If you were born between July and December, pick the first color you see when you look to the right. Mine is red.
  3. Pick the first item you see on the closest table to you. I just looked, and saw a pen.

Voila, I have a title. Four Red Pens.

Now the even more fun part: what’s your amazing, inspirational story? Now, think of your first and last names.

The first letter of your first name will correspond to your sorry-sounding adjective.

A: Lost

B: Teenage

C: Secret

D: Pregnant

E: Hidden

F: Long-Lost

G: Found

H: Orphaned

I: Changed

J: Runaway

K: Homeless

L: Innocent

M: War

N: Child

O: Rescued

P: Forgotten

Q: Saved

R: Abandoned

S: Broken

T: Imprisoned

U: Anorexic

V: Uncommon

W: Gifted

X: Violated

Y: Depressed

Z: Battered

Now, who are you? Take the first letter of your last name to find out who you are:

A: Runaway

B: Gym Teacher

C: Bride

D: Whore

E: Nun

F: Teenager

G: Centenarian

H: Midwife

I: Orphan

J: Hooker

K: Wife

L: Addict

M: Daughter

N: Son

O: Angel

P: Mother

Q: Veteran

R: Prostitute

S: Zombie

T: Thief

U: Robber

V: Criminal

W: Slave

X: Grandmother

Y: Queen

Z: Princess

So, my memoir would be:

Four Red Pens: I Was a Runaway Midwife

So, what’s your memoir? Let me know in the comments!


52 thoughts on “The Overly Dramatic Memoir Generator

  1. Thanks a ton for inviting me over to your blog Jacob! I’ve been laughing at this generator you’ve invented so much that I’m afraid I peed myself a little. I love it! 😀

    My memoirs would definitely be a bestseller!
    Zero Green Headphones: Memoirs of a Changed Mother

    If had used my maiden name it would have been even better:
    Zero Green Headphones: Memoirs of a Changed Criminal 😀

    • Your first digit is zero? That’s kinda odd…at least in America, it has to be 2-9. But zero makes it funnier, almost “One day I woke up, and my green headphones were gone. So were my children, and in their stead were drugs and alcohol. It was at that moment that I knew a) I needed to run out to Walgreens to get new headphones, and b) I needed to change.”

  2. ‘Seven metallic clutches: The story of a lost gym teacher’
    Love it 🙂 This doesn’t even remotely make sense, but I would read it.

  3. Omg! This is so funny!

    Mine is Seven Red Spectacle Cases: Forgotten Cenetarian
    This is so weird! 😛

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  5. Reblogged this on Inked Brownies and commented:
    Due to going on a trip to meet up with Cindy today and getting stuck in a massive traffic jam on the way back home (welcome to Holland!), there won’t be a bookish post from me this Monday. Cindy and I have definitely been getting our review modes on though today, only this time, it involved some people’s poor fashion choices :’) (while I was wearing my smothering yellow hiking boots from the ’90’s while it was 28 degrees outside).

    Because I’ll be in the hospital tomorrow (hence, no post either then), I thought I wouldn’t leave you lot without something fun, at least.
    So here’s a post from That’s So Jacob which I thoroughly enjoyed: The Overly Dramatic Memoir Generator!.

    My memoir would be called: Zero Purple Sleeping Pills: the Lost Wife That’s some pretty deep shit eh? What are yours? 😀

  6. This is fabulous.
    Six Black Coffees: Homeless Midwife in Training
    I think my new goal in life is to have nothing to do with this memoir title. *shivers*
    My brothers is better though: Four Brown Napkins: A Runaway Midwife

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